If i were a boy
by jaceandclaryforever
Summary: He was gone and back again, but he wasn't mine. Or rather, I wasn't his. He had hinted that he wanted to get back with me, but no. I wouldn't take that, especially after what he had done...


**If I Were A Boy **

He was gone and back again, but he wasn't mine. Or rather, I wasn't his. He had hinted that he wanted to get back with me, but no. I wouldn't take that, especially after what he had done. I wanted him to come groveling back to me on his knees. Selfish? I don't give a damn. I wanted him to cry, hurt and bleed like I did. I wanted him to feel everything that I had and more.

GAH! Snap out of it Rose! The effects of spirit were on me again, it seemed to be coming back with a vengeance now that Lissa was training, and it didn't help that Dimitri wasn't with me to help. Dimitri. His name made my heart ache and my eyes sting. I clenched my fingers until my knuckles turned white. A knock at my door brought me out of my reverie. Sigh... what could anyone want with me now? With a grimace, I went to the door and opened it, only no one was there. I looked down the hallway to see a retreating figure just turn the bend and disappear from my sight. "stupid no-life" I murmured to myself.

I was in one of THOSE moods now. I picked up my guitar and strummed a chord. I closed my eyes as I began to whisper the first verse...

If I were a boy even just for a day  
>I'd roll out of bed in the morning<br>And throw on what I wanted  
>And go drink beer with the guys<p>

And I did. After Dimitri left, Adrian became my beer buddy. But recently, I began to say sweet nothings about Dimitri when I was drunk, so Adrian eventually realized that I would never get to anymore than friends with him. So now my pity parties were alone, and I didn't mind. This way, I could cry my heart out without anyone seeing me weak. Weak. Only Dimitri had seen me so weak. Not even lissa has. Only Dimitri. And while I was weak, he said I was still beautiful. Those were the days. The days when you were here...  
>And chase after girls<br>I'd kick it with who I wanted  
>And I'd never get confronted for it<br>'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy  
>I think I could understand<br>How it feels to love a girl  
>I swear I'd be a better man<p>

I'd listen to her  
>'Cause I know how it hurts<br>When you lose the one you wanted  
>'Cause he's taking you for granted<br>And everything you had got destroyed

Dimitri used to just hold me and listen, until he left. He left me with a kiss. A kiss. He placed with soft lips on mine, slow, oh so slow. Gentle. Sweet. Nothing but love in it. Then he broke my heart. I could feel his tears on my cheeks as he left. Gone. Far away, but not far enough. His kiss still burning on my lips. His tears still forming a trail on my cheeks. Landing on the floor with mine.

If I were a boy  
>I would turn off my phone<br>Tell everyone it's broken  
>So they'd think that I was sleeping alone<p>

I'd put myself first  
>And make the rules as I go<br>'Cause I know that she'd be faithful  
>Waiting for me to come home, to come home<p>

I always thought we'd be together forever. Talk about corny. I guess I can see why Dimitri said I was immature. We were meant to stay together, me guarding Lissa, and him posted at court. We were supposed to make it through. We were supposed to go through thick and thin together. Only if he came back home.

If I were a boy  
>I think I could understand<br>How it feels to love a girl  
>I swear I'd be a better man<p>

I'd listen to her  
>'Cause I know how it hurts<br>When you lose the one you wanted  
>'Cause he's taking you for granted<p>

And that's all he did. He took advantage of my love. Everytime I tell myself that I laughed. He didn't take advantage of me. He loved me. who was I kidding! He was my soulmate. He was everything I needed and wanted. He was mine. I was his.  
>And everything you had got destroyed<p>

It's a little too late for you to come back  
>Say it's just a mistake<br>Think I'd forgive you like that  
>If you thought I would wait for you<br>You thought wrong

But you're just a boy  
>You don't understand<br>And you don't understand, oh  
>How it feels to love a girl<br>Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her  
>You don't care how it hurts<br>Until you lose the one you wanted  
>'Cause you're taking her for granted<br>And everything you had got destroyed  
>But you're just a boy<p>

He was just like me. Guardians who had to go where we were posted to, we didn't matter. But he would always matter to me.

A sob broke through me, followed by another, and another. Soon I was outright crying. Again there was the knock on the door. Clearly pissed, I threw open the door, only to find the cause of all my heartaches standing there. He took one look at my face and wrapped his arms around me, closing the door and guiding me to sit on the bed, all the while with me crying. I clung to him, as if my life depended on it. Soon my sobs subsided, and I just sat there, hugging him close, while he held me.

Then he pulled away to look at my face, guilt and sadness filling his eyes. "Roza... I'm so sorry for everything I did to you. I swear, I'll never do it again. Please Roza! Please take me back. I can't breathe without you. I need you in my life. I'm so sorry..." he whispered, looking down, fearing my reaction. I felt like everything in my life just rearranged to include me again. I cupped his face in my hands and tilted it to look into his eyes, windows to his soul. He seemed to read my thoughts as he slowly, lowered his lips to meet mine. He wound his hands into my hair, while mine rememorized his every contour on his face. So slow, so unrushed, his hands travelled down my shoulders, his fingers leaving a hot fiery trail as they finally stopped at my hips.

I felt his tongue against my lips and I opened under his touch. He moaned; a soft pleasure sound and hugged me tighter. Our tongues met once and just from that touch sent electric currents that ran through my veins. My knees turned week, my strength leaving me as I surrendered myself to him. Our tongues dueled and danced, him moaning for more. I gasped when he nibbled my lower lip, his bite lingering even when he moved away.


End file.
